Jan 11 2011 9:52 am

in defense of not breathing

As much as I hate drinking water, plenty of people have railed against this evil practice already.  I feel that piling on would not be prudent.  So while I wholeheartedly agree with those who despise the drinking of water, I will today focus my energies on defending the long lost art of not breathing.


Too many fucking slack jawed rednecks sit around with their thumbs up their asses BREATHING.  They're all like "dude, I'm trying to help out my cells with their metabolic processes and shit.  Without my slack jawed breathing I would pass the fuck out and die." 


SHUT THE FUCK UP PUSSY.  Breathing is for the weak.  Take a clue from our friends the anaerobes.  And be obligate, not facultative.  Facultative anaerobes are bigger pussies than shit that just always breathes because they're on the fence all the time.  They're like bisexual chicks.  There's nothing more obnoxious than a bisexual chick.  Though the breathers are like bull dykes, so there's that.


Anyway, I've been practicing not breathing air and I'm almost there.  I keep passing out, but that won't stop me in the end.  I'm going to succeed in never breathing air again one of these days and show all those hipster douchebags what's what. 


And I'm drinking gasoline.  Anybody who doesn't drink gasoline is a fucking pussy too.  Or rubber cement.  Or poison.  If you're not drinking sweet, pure poison, shut up about being cool.

comments 14