Jan 10 2011 12:10 pm

in defense of whiskey

Sure, I like beer and I’m all for defending it against the tyrannies of wine and the upturned pinky drinkers, but beer seems to have received plenty of defending over the past five years, so much defending in fact that good beer is virtually ubiquitous these days and I’m actually drinking as much Heineken Light as I can just to be different. 

This is about whisky and defending it against the tyrannies of tattooed hipster mixologists and their stupid fucking pre-prohibition period cocktails.  You can take your muddler stick and shove it up your tight prissy ass for all I care.  Muddle your intestines like they were the fragrant but in a different kind of way mint leaves of the lower digestive track surely destined for a COCKtail including rye whiskey and some obscure eastern European vermouth.  You know what rye whiskey goes great with?  Ice.  You know what mint leaves go great with?  Me neither.  Mint leaves are for those with an incontinence of mind, an impotence of will, or a spirit so dry and boring that it leaves a trail of knee prints in its powdered tears as it scurries awkwardly away from challenge and cold weather.

One time in college I drank a fifth of Jim Beam then puked on my arm in my sleep.  I left a trail of footprints in the puddles of vomit as I made my way to the bathroom.  Powdered tears or vomit people.  Make your choice and make it now because the war is coming.

Many of you may be surprised at my anger with mint.  Surely mint is one of the more innocuous cocktail plants what with all the fruit and cucumbers and spices and other random shit they put in drinks these days.  But this is the point.  Don’t stop at the really stupid shit.  Go all the way.  Go all the way to the mint and the celery.  Go all the way to the juice.  Hell, I go all the way to the water.  In my opinion the only thing that should go in whiskey is ice, but I understand that some people don’t like their booze cold, so sure, go ahead and add a bit of water.  Be my guest.  But if you put soda in that fucker I’ll be goddamned if I have a use for you. 


Charles Bukowski and Lucinda Williams and probably Gillian Welch and the one random white trash neighbor you had that time who would shoot shit from his back porch with a shotgun at night are on our team.  Stupid cocktail muddlers have anonymous city dweller #1, anonymous business man #2, and probably the entire Yankees organization.


Drink Bourbon, drink Scotch, drink Irish, drink blended, cheap or expensive.  Just don’t put anything stupid in it.

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