Jun 15 2011 1:28 pm

robot birds

I’m probably going to people the world with robot birds. I’m going to want dinosaurs with teeth like houses. I’m going to let you pretend I’m a Pakistani security official and this explains the beard. I’m going to climb up on my roof and yell at the people who drive too fast on my street: “HEY COCK FUCK. SLOW DOWN.”

I’m going to wait until it gets dark and reach over and turn on the brown trout and get a lot of mosquito bites. I’m going to watch a big fish come completely out of the water and see its white belly in the full moon and close my eyes so that I can judge its size again by the sound of the splash. I’m going to get going about 70mph heading west and close my eyes so that I can drive with my mind. I’m going to determine if you’re wearing panties with my mind.

Get in the car. Don’t touch nothin’. Sit in the car. I’m a fucking psychic.

I’m going to reach down into a pike. Just to cut my arm and I’m going to grab its stomach and pull it out and sell soybeans at the elevator early. For way below market price. Because my family is hungry and I have to buy more Roundup.

I’m going to go muskie fishing with my brother and order the same thing as him at Perkins in Grand Rapids at midnight. The waiter and the hostess will both kind of flirt with us but not nearly as much as that chick at Subway did, the one that was riding dirty with the sweet fake chrome bolt-on spoiler.

I didn’t even have to read her mind. She just came right out with it.


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